A Different Kind of Anniversary

June 15^th, 2018. The day I went to court and officially agreed to a divorce I never wanted and did everything I could to stop. I sat next to my lawyer as my soon-to-be ex-husband sat next to his in the over-sized courtroom. It was an out of body experience that I try not to dwell on for too long. Did I ever truly know my husband? Was my entire marriage a lie?

Before you cringe and think this is an “ex-husband” bashing article I assure you it is not. In fact, my ex-husband (why do I still feel cheap using this word?) knows about this article and gave his support on writing it. Do I need his support? No, but I am not out to hurt anyone’s feelings or damage a co-parenting relationship. This is not a venting platform or a list of everything that offends me, I simply want to share my journey this past year and maybe enlighten non-single parents and give encouragement to other people in the same situation. I am ashamed to admit that I used to subconsciously think that single moms must have done something wrong and I was thankful that I was a better wife with a better husband. Yikes.

Hours after my divorce was finalized my ex-husband hopped on a plane to a new life in Europe.  It is hard to describe my journey and what I have learned on paper but I want to attempt for two reasons:

1. It is therapeutic for me. It reduces my anger and my loneliness to discuss it.

2. It is something I knew nothing about and I want to shed light on it for others who know nothing about it in hopes of teaching us all how to handle trauma with thoughtfulness.

I had a lot of anger (it’s not all gone yet)

I was mad at everyone for a while. I find myself bored and craving adult conversation sometimes. When I text my friends, “Hey, anyone wanna go out or come over for a drink?” and multiple responses are, “Sorry, having date night tonight or doing “family stuff this weekend” it is very disheartening and reminds you that you are single and other people are not. 

I find myself feeling angry with the friend who said, “Man, I would never know how to date again,” or the friend who said “Just focus on your child for now (as if I have NOT been focusing on my child),” “You aren’t ready to date you haven’t healed (how do you know this because I don’t remember you asking me how I’ve doing).” Anger at my coworker who makes passive aggressive comments about me rushing out of work and leaving early (which by early they mean on-time since I rarely ever leave early).

I have some validated reasons for being angry and some that are just misplaced hurt/sadness. When you begin healing the anger slowly fades, so please don’t check me into anger management classes just yet.

Divorce is traumatic and people don’t know how to talk about it

I could write 10 pages on this alone but I will keep it semi-short. I am a Christian and have a strong faith in God. I believe all people say insensitive comments without meaning to and that generally people have good intentions but good intentions are not always enough; You can still deeply hurt someone with your “good intentions.” Whether we are truly trying to help or we are lazy and looking for the easy way out so we use cliché phrases. Good intentions can be harmful.

“This is God’s Will”

“Good will come of this”

Or the worst in my opinion….nothing.

Insensitive words hurt and can prolong the grieving process, but sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, insensitive words or no words. People I did not expect anything from delivered flowers to my house on June 15^th, sent me Facebook messages telling me how sorry they were, random texts (from numbers I didn’t even have saved in my phone) that said “I am sorry for what you are going through and I am thinking of you.”

There was also silence from those closest to me. Friends of mine went incognito, they seemed to avoid me on all accounts. I actually felt like I was invited to things less than I ever was, this didn’t make sense to me. Why were people avoiding me? I asked another divorced friend of mine and she told me it happened to her as well, because people don’t know what to say. I was so hurt, so angry, and so self-conscious.

Do they think I deserved it? Was I too sad to be around? Did they want to be friends with him and not me? Was I damaged goods now? I found myself getting so angry that my good friends had emotionally abandoned me and I actually considered moving (extreme, I know).

I finally decided that I was going to do something about. I started bringing the topic up myself to close friends and something amazing happened. They started talking, a lot. We didn’t gather together to ex-husband bash, but I felt love and support from those I needed most. Many of the close friends I mention were friends with him as well; I suppose they are grieving the loss of a friendship too and just didn’t know how to bring it up. Someone told me “I didn’t want to bring it up to you if you weren’t thinking about it.” The comment made me laugh, it was sweet, funny, and so naive at the same time. Trust me; I am always (was always) thinking about it. You are not reminding me that my husband left me, don’t worry.

My church does a great job discussing divorce and blended families more than I have ever seen in a church, but we don’t discuss single parenting or have too many resources for single parents (that I know of). I have wanted to go to meetings at the church but there was no childcare (one was a meeting about single parenting and blended families). Could I find a babysitter? Yes, but my point is that everything takes a lot more work involved when you are parenting solo.   My pastor spent so much time talking to me and I never felt judged for a second from him or from my church. We have prominent members of our church who have been through divorce and remarriage. They delivered flowers to me “just because” a few days ago and it brought me so much joy. I have a great support system, but I think we can do better. Especially as Christians we need to do better. If you know of someone going through a hard time, please reach out. Send a text, some snail mail, flowers; bring them a cup of coffee. I promise you will make their entire week or month. It is never the wrong thing to do to let someone know you care about what they are going through.  

God Wants Good Things for My Life

I do not pretend to be a Bible scholar of any kind; I actually failed Old Testament at my private University. I do know one thing though. I worship a loving God, not a God who wanted my marriage to fail. I wholeheartedly believe God was rooting for my marriage and I believe God is all powerful, but I also believe God gave humans free will and that we can be evil and do evil things with that free will. When I was in college my uncle died tragically in a car accident. It shook our family deep. I went into a depression; I couldn’t do anything without crying. The “chaplain” told me that it was God’s will and He was testing my faith. Like I said, I am not a theologian but I do not believe God’s will was to kill a beloved member of my family or destroy my marriage. Bad things happen to people every day. I am not angry with God; I get angry with dumb people who say insensitive things about God without thinking of the ramifications. 

Without God I may have committed suicide. The day my husband told me he was filing for divorce I was far too close to driving my car off the road into a tree (I mean, really close). I literally begged out loud for God to save me from myself in that moment, and He did. He got me through this. He brought me good friends and family to get me through and gave me the strength to get up every day to be the best me possible. People who know me know that I am passionate. Things affect me hard and I am sensitive. Countless people have told me that I have handled this trauma with more poise and strength than they could have imagined. God comes through when we ask, and I begged.

Your husband going on a business trip or guys’ weekend does not make you a single mom

Enough said J

We do not all hate our children’s father

This is an interesting one. As a single parent most likely you have been wronged, I have and so has my daughter. However and please pay attention to this one. Do.  Not.  Ever. disrespect my daughter’s father in front of her. My little girl is not broken. She does not live in a “Broken home.” She is joyful and she is trusting, and most importantly she knows that she is loved by both her mommy and her daddy because we tell her that and we talk with respect about one another to her. I love my daughter’s father because I love my daughter.  “You won’t ever let him take her on a trip will you?” “You won’t ever go back to Honduras will you?” Yes and Yes. It is her father and as long as he wants to be part of her life I will not come in between them, it is the best gift I can give her and he will always be in our lives for better or for worse.

People start questioning my judgment

“You aren’t ready to date yet.” “Just focus on Jesus and your child (gag)” “Don’t settle for the wrong guy.” “Take your time finding the right one.” Again, these are my feelings and not necessarily fact, but I feel that since I had a failed marriage, people are politely trying to tell me to make better choices next time.

I was talking to a guy who wanted to date me a few months back. I went on two dates with him, had some phone conversations, and eventually told him that I was not interested in dating him, etc. He actually told me I should try dating a good guy (like him) for once and stop having bad taste in men. He actually thought that belittling me and telling me I have poor judgment would somehow seduce me.

It is lonely and it is hard (cue the pity party)

I think all parents would agree that parenting is exhausting in almost every way. I wake up around 7am and get myself ready, my daughter ready, my two dogs set for the day (he left them too), and to work by 8am. I work with kids and their parents until 5:30 pm, rush to get to daycare on time (which I explained earlier than I am made to feel bad for at work), feed my child and my dogs, play with my daughter, do the bedtime routine (which is a battle most nights). By 8:30pm I am emotionally and physically exhausted for the most part. I then have to clean up, do the dishes, do the laundry, get stuff ready for the next morning, try to find help for my leaking fridge and my leaking basement, try to work out, and then go to bed. Now, I am not trying to sit here and whine. I just want you to realize the depth of the struggle that so many single parents have. A lot of parents have this same routine, but they get a break at some point and can take turns with someone. I can have a break too if I pay someone or humble myself and ask for help. Girl’s night? I have to pay, shopping trip? I have to pay. Work meeting? I have to pay. The parenting thing is hard, but imagine doing it all alone.

The lonely part isn’t just the obvious. Your friends are on family vacations and out on date nights and you are home talking to a toddler all day. It is much deeper than that. When my daughter says or does something adorable, I have no husband/partner at home to say, “Look at what she is doing she is so funny!” I may post more stories and pictures of my daughter on Facebook and Instagram than other people do because I want to share her, I want other people enjoying her and I want to talk about her. I may text you more than your other friends do because I have no one to talk to at home.

I’m not only grieving the loss of my dream for a two biological parent household, I’m grieving that fact I may not get the 2nd child I desire. Everyone says, “Only children are spoiled,” “Only children are weird,” “Only children are lonely.” I want another child but that may not happen. I desperately want a sibling for Tilly but that may not happen. The humiliation I feel when someone asks me “Are you going to have another child?” is never ending. I am not offended, how would they know? But each time I have to say “No, my husband left me so I can’t (I don’t actually add that second part no one would ever talk to me),” I feel like a failure as a women and as a mom. I was asked that question twice today.

I have a good support system but my support system has lives of their own. I am raising her by myself. No one is coming over to help put her to bed or wake up with her in the middle of the night so that I can be rested for work. We had the stomach flu at the same time; no one was there to care for me and I had to care for her.

I will have to explain to my daughter why her dad isn’t around

Dad and donuts, daddy-daughter dances, Father’s Day; it all sucks for me. For some reason even Mother’s Day was difficult; maybe because there was no father to give me a gift or celebrate me for being a mom (my friends made me mimosas and bought me a gift, I have the best friends). I know my daughter is only 2 years old and yes she has her grandpa, uncles, and my friends that would fill in if I asked but it isn’t the same and I wish people would realize that. It is not the same in my mind and I know someday it will not be the same in my daughter’s mind.

A few days ago my daughter was watching Peppa Pig and out of nowhere said “Mama did we lose Daddy?” My heart sank and I starred at her blankly. Were we really about to have this conversation at the age of 2? I wasn’t ready! I cautiously asked “What…?” She repeated, “Did we lose him?” “Tilly, what do you mean?” “He isn’t home I think we lost him, where is he?” I had no words, I wanted to cry. What on earth should I say to my tutu clad toddler with big bright brown eyes?

“Baby, do you want some M&Ms?” YES PLEASE! Phew...crisis averted, for now.

I never wanted to be a single mom, but here I am. As Sheryl Sandberg said in her book Option B, “When Plan A fails, kick the shit out of plan B.”

I have learned so much this year. I have learned how strong I am. After a toxic marriage ends you go through a bit of PTSD and I am learning to love myself and discover myself all over again. I have learned that life will not be the same and things will not be easy but that my life can be even more joy-filled and I can be content and thrive all on my own. I have learned that trauma scares people and not everyone knows how to handle it, and it’s okay if reach out too. I have learned that I am doing this alone, but that it is okay to suck up my pride and ask for help too. I have learned to relate so much more to my single-mom parents at work. I try harder to help them with resources and make their lives easier instead of rushing to judgment. I would like to think that I have become a better person since June 15^th.

My daughter and I have a bond that is unbreakable. I am her person and she is my person. She is worth the tears, the grief, and the exhaustion because she is my light. I would go through this dark time a thousand times over if it meant she was mine in the end.